Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
You're like the curious george of whores
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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