I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
