Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
the day after is always just damage control
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
