Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Its like we are women, and boise state is a gangster rap song. This game is degrading
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Randomize
