can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
