She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
