I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
