Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
