i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
