Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
