Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Randomize
