my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
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