Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
