they need to just BURY HIM!
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
