No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
