Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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