I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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