In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
