My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Randomize
