Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
