before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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