I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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