You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
