She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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