god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
