I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
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