Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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