so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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