my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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