you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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