so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
