I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
