I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
