Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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