and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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