Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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