Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I just forgot I was standing up.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
