I wish my penis had an off switch
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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