By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
