overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize
