So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
