Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
The adults are the big ones right?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
