Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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