Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
