I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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