$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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