I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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