wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Randomize
