Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
A bitchslap is in order.
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