Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
