Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
