Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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