There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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